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By Amy Harrist M.A., LPC
Why is it so difficult to carry out Paul’s instruction in Romans 12:15 to “[r]ejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep”? While this is clearly a biblical sentiment, it is one that often leaves us feeling like we have failed and completely unsure how to do better. The challenge is due largely to the fact that we remain in the presence of sin, despite having been freed from its penalty. We so easily get caught up in our lives and lose sight of who God is and what he has commanded. My husband and I are in the middle of mourning our infertility right now; we do not have a nicely tied up story that shows how God is being glorified and we often struggle to see what He is doing. So, we cling to the simple and essential truth that He is working this for our good and His glory and we strive to mourn and rejoice accordingly.
In the beginning of Romans 12, Paul had just called the Romans to present their bodies as a living sacrifice for the Lordand he then moves into an exposition on the marks of a true Christian, where he calls Christians to “[r]ejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Evidently, being able to do this well is a mark of Christ’s light in the midst of a dark world. So, let us grapple with this instruction together as brothers and sisters in Christ. In this article, I will address those who are mourning and yet are striving to rejoice with others. In the next article, I will turn to those who are rejoicing, but endeavor to mourn with those who are mourning.
How to rejoice with others, even in times of mourning:
1. Acknowledge your feelings: First, we need to acknowledge that we are mourning and explore what we are feeling even as those feelings fluctuate. Psalm 139 reminds us that God has searched us and knows us, he knows our thoughts, paths, words, and heart. Are we not better off knowing those things about ourselves too? Part of what makes suffering and grief so exhausting is how quickly we cycle through emotions. I may wake up burdened by the grief and fears of infertility, then get my coffee, spend time in God’s Word, feel better as I am reminded of His character, then walk out the door and see a pregnant woman and feel the stab of jealousy and pain, then get stuck in traffic and feel a surge of annoyance, and then receive a sweet letter from a friend and feel cared for. You get the idea – our feelings fluctuate and some last longer or return more quickly than others, but each of us experiences many feelings throughout any given day. The question is whether we are aware of those feelings and the effect they have on our hearts. I highly recommend downloading a “feelings list” and using the list regularly as a tool to train your mind to identify and acknowledge what you are feeling
2. Speak truth in the midst of your feelings: Our feelings constantly influence our thoughts, actions, and behaviors. It follows that we are better equipped to live for God’s glory and speak His truth into our lives if we improve our awareness of what we are feeling. For example, here are two scenarios:
Scenario 1) My husband is working late, I get irritable and don’t really acknowledge him when he gets homeand I answer shortly when he asks questions. In this scenario, I was feeling lonely but didn’t quite realize it, so I focused on what my husband was doing wrong. Then, when my husband worked late, I felt more alone and protected myself by shutting him out and, not wanting to engage with him or with my feelings, I kept my answers short.
Scenario 2) My husband lets me know that he has to work late. I notice my immediate irritation with this and realize that I have been feeling lonely today and then felt more alone when I learned he wasn’t coming home when I had expected. So, I let him know that I have been feeling lonely today and would like to spend some time together before bed tonight.
As you can see, in both scenarios I was driven by my feeling of loneliness, but in the second scenario, I identified and expressed the loneliness, which resulted in my emotions having less unchecked control over my thoughts and actions. I can also remind myself of the truth that God is with me (Isaiah 41:10) and that expressing my loneliness can be a way to connect more deeply with my husband, rather than allow a rift to form between us, even when it seems easier to just ignore my feelings.
3. Deepen your self-awareness: Ask yourself, are you more likely to:a. Stuff/avoid your feelings? – If this is your tendency, you should beware of faking happiness for someone, while trying to avoid your own feelings. There is wisdom and honesty in exploring your feelings of grief before attempting to rejoice with others. Truly rejoicing with others is much richer and deeper than putting on an act; it can be a form of worshipping God. Remember our context in Romans 12, that as Christians, we are called to be patient in tribulation, constant in prayer, and to rejoice in hope. Rejoicing with others can be a way of reorienting our hearts to the truth that we have secure and eternal hope in Christ. b. Be consumed by your feelings? – If this is your tendency, then look out for the power that feelings have over your life and be careful not to be ruled by your emotions. As John Seymour said, “[e]motions make excellent servants, but tyrannical masters.” Use your emotions to deepen, and not to derail, your living for Christ. As humans we often have mixed motivations: I may go to small group because I know it is obedient to Scripture’s directive to grow in community, but also because I don’t want to look bad to others, and because I want to care for a friend who will be there, and because I want to avoid cleaning my house. Yikes, things get convoluted quickly. The question I most often ask myself to as a way to bring some clarity to muddied motivations is this: Whose glory am I concerned with? If I am primarily concerned with my own glory and I look bad, then it feels as though all is lost. Whereas, if my primary concern is God’s glory, then His strength can be made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). When God’s glory is our focus we are enabled to address our motivations honestly, knowing the Lord can work all things for His glory.
4. Remember that rejoicing does not mean putting on an act:Okay, now that we have handled identifying our feelings, we next need to remember that rejoicing with others does not mean putting on an act. Romans 12:9 directly says, “[l]et love be genuine.” The goal here is not for you to put on a mask and suck it up. Instead, we are called to sacrifice for God’s glory and to love our neighbors as ourselves, which may sometimes mean focusing more on others’ feelings than our own. Psalm 139 again directs our way: in my case, it may mean that rather than hiding my feelings, I need to seek to know my heart, identify and confess my pain and jealousy, acknowledge that it degrades God’s faithfulness and goodness, receive His forgiveness, and walk forward in the way everlasting, receiving comfort for my sorrow and pain, remembering His faithfulness and living for His glory as I serve (and rejoice with) others.
5. Build community: On a related note, if we build community, identify and share our feelings, and have people around us who will mourn with us, we will likely feel freer to rejoice with others. For a while, almost no one knew about our infertility, so rejoicing with someone who was pregnant felt like I was being overlooked and forgotten. Now, while I still struggle, I find great help in godly friends who will mourn with me and in turn I am better equipped to rejoice with others. Practice sharing with others and allowing them in. This may make you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but it is an important step in developing real relationships that honor Christ.
6. Remember that rejoicing may not come naturally: The more closely another person’s rejoicing relates to our mourning, the more difficult it can be to rejoice with them. For example, a single person may find it pretty easy to rejoice with a friend who is announcing a new job, but find it arduous to rejoice with a friend that is celebrating anengagement. To be clear, the increased difficulty does not let us off the hook, but does enable us to pray over and prepare for how we may respond. Something important to remember here is that God’s blessings are not in limited supply – the fact that He provided the blessing of a spouseto a friend does not mean that the ‘spouse blessings’ are at risk of running out. Instead, we have a Father who lavishes grace on us in all wisdom and insight (Eph 1:8). If our heavenly Father was willing to give the ultimate sacrifice of His son, how could we believe that He is withholding blessings from us? This certainly does not mean that He will give us everything that we what we want in this life, but it is important to remember that He has given us His son and eternal life, so all other gifts ought to pale in comparison.
7. Practice thankfulness: If we regularly practice rejoicing in the Lord’s goodness and being grateful for the blessings that He has given us, we will be better equipped to rejoice when life becomes difficult. I have recently begun writing down God’s answers to my prayers along with the sweet things that He does for me even when I don’t ask! That does not take away my mourning, but it does increase my ability to identify God’s goodness, which helps me to more quickly rejoice when God blesses others. We are called to rejoice in the Lord always, in abundance and in need (Phil 4: 12-13).
8. Recognize that we can be both sorrowful and joyful: We do not have to banish all sense of mourning in order to rejoice. Paul rejoiced in his suffering with Christ, but he was not exclusively rejoicing. God created humans with a complexity of emotions. In 2 Corinthians 6:10, we are told of the paradox of following Christ: “We are treated as imposters, and yet are true; as dying and behold we live; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing.” We can be sorrowful in a real and emotional way, yet not consumed by our sorrow;rather we remember Christ, which brings stability and joy in the midst of pain. For example, the first holiday after a family member passes away is filled with sorrow for what we are missing and what death has taken, yet it can still be a time of rejoicing as we reflect on fond memories and remember that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).9. Affirm that, in Christ, we have ultimate hope to rejoice in: Things are not yet as they should be, so we grieve, but not as those without hope (1 Thes 4:13). We need to practice realigning our perspective with the Lord’s – and this really is a practice, it is not something that comes naturally to us. As Christians, we have reasons to grieve, but we always have reason to rejoice. Our Savior has conquered sin and death and saved us from hell, adopted us as sons and daughters, and we will be glorified with Him in heaven. So, if bitterness has taken root, we can openly confess that to a good and faithful Father who is ready and willing to forgive us and cleanse us from unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). One of the main things that I can rejoice in, in the midst of struggling, is that God is a personal God, that He loves me and has called me by name (Isaiah 43) and He knows my pain and keeps my tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8) – what a compassionate Father!
I hope this helps you on your journey to rejoice with those who rejoice. Stay tuned for the next article (coming next Friday, February 14) where we will explore the parallel truths for how to mourn with those who mourn.
Amy lives in Houston, Texas with her husband and their dog and two cats. She earned a Masters of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Wake Forest University and a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy and Psychology from Wheaton College. She sees counseling as an opportunity to explore and apply theology in immediate and real-world circumstances. She also loves to read, meet friends for coffee, cross-stitch, and do jigsaw puzzles. You can find Amy on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/held_in_waiting/