My 28th birthday recently passed, and with it my 28th year as an unmarried woman. Throughout my tenure as a single lady, I have experienced a variety of mental and spiritual phases — some good, some sinful, some progressive, some regressive. But in the last few years, the Lord has been gracious in giving me a small glimpse into how He has been sanctifying me through my singleness.
Contentment in singleness has not come easy. I often hear that marriage is sanctifying, and I don’t doubt it. But singleness is sanctifying as well, particularly in growing older and beginning to really establish myself as an adult, planning for the future and facing decisions that most women my age would make with their husband (like setting up retirement plans and buying a home). During my years as a single adult woman, I’ve been through the gamut of emotions and perspectives regarding marriage — from despondency to indignation to obstinacy to joy. I’ve attended many of my own pity parties, which were no fun at all. I’ve also thrown many celebrations of my own independence, which were pretty fun but kind of missed the point. I eventually came to realize that I’d spent so much time either wallowing in the weaknesses of singleness or basking in its benefits that I never took the time to focus on how to glorify God in it.
A large majority of my single years were spent emphasizing my lack of need for a husband. While this is certainly true, the underlying reason for emphasizing this truth was usually not my confidence in myself but rather my fear that I would never have one. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that it is not a weakness to say that I would like to be married one day, just because that day has not yet come. Marriage, while indeed sanctifying, is a wonderful gift, and I would like to experience firsthand the intimate companionship that it brings and the unique way Christ uses it to display His relationship with His church. However, the details of the future are only in God’s secret will, and nothing in this life is guaranteed; and I don’t want to spend my years looking wistfully out the window in some romantic daydream only to turn around and see that I’d squandered the time the Lord had given me to serve Him. The life of godliness does not begin only when you’re married.
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in my more recent years of singleness is a lesson about the character of God. In my heart, I had been doubting God’s goodness to me because He has so far withheld the good gift of marriage. I of course believed, as the apostle Paul says in Romans 8:28, that all things will work together for my good as one of God’s elect. But what was even more impactful to me was his question a few sentences later, in verse 32: “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” J.I. Packer provides this powerful commentary on that verse in his book Knowing God:
“[I]f the measure of love is what it gives, then there never was such love as God showed to sinners at Calvary, nor will any subsequent love-gift to us cost God so much. So if God has already commended his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us (5:8), it is believable, to say the least, that he will go on to give us ‘all things’ besides. Most Christians know the fearful feeling that God may not have anything more for them beyond what they have already received; a thoughtful look at Calvary should banish this mood.”
As believers, when we consider the magnitude of the sacrifice that was made on our behalf, the outpouring of undeserved love from the Creator of heaven and earth who has condescended to call Himself our Heavenly Father and to call us His beloved children, there should be no doubt in our mind that God’s unseen hand of providence is only giving us good things (regardless of how they may look to us in the moment). God’s ultimate goal is to bring glory to Himself, and He has promised to achieve that end by bringing His people more and more into conformity with the image of Christ, so He would not give or withhold anything without those aims in mind. And since we know that God is not only perfectly loving and good but also perfectly wise, we can be assured that He not only has a plan to those ends, but He also knows the best way to carry it out. Again, from J.I. Packer: “We may be frankly bewildered at things that happen to us, but God knows exactly what he is doing, and what he is after, in his handling of our affairs. Always, and in everything, he is wise: we shall see that hereafter, even when we never saw it here.”
It took me an embarrassingly long time to trust that my singleness is not a lack of God’s goodness to me, but rather an intentional part of His perfectly wise plan to grow me in grace and sanctification for His own glory. Nothing has aided me more in my efforts toward contentment in singleness, and indeed in all areas of life, than this truth.
Valerie Vondra was born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona. She has attended the same Reformed Baptist church for all 28 years of her life, and has been a member there for the last decade. When she is not reading and writing about theology, she enjoys spending time with her friends and church family, traveling, and reading and writing about anything else. She is also a self-professed “cat lady” who, sadly, does not currently own a cat. You can find her on Instagram here, Twitter here and on her website valerieshmalerie.tumblr.com
